Life’s complicated

Man it got hard.

I know it’s been awhile since I have posted anything. My apologies. I know many have asked to continue to be updated and it’s really the least I could do for all the support I have received through this but it got hard. I never wanted to post negative things and it all felt so negative for so long. I wish I here writing you all that I beat the odds and overcame, but sadly I still can’t say that yet.

I got really sick is what happened. Chemo kicked my butt. I was this perfectly healthy person and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. And I didn’t wanna write about my suffering.. I didn’t wanna write that I was tired… I didn’t wanna write how bad and hard going through treatment is. I’m not looking for pity. I wanted to be strong, but the truth is.. I was so very broken.

I told myself if the treatment didn’t work I was done trying because making myself sick to most likely never see results wasn’t worth it.
No worries, I got over that fast!

The fact is
I didn’t get lucky. I didn’t get the news we all wanted to hear. Instead, I got heart broken doctors, family and friends. Everybody was so positive, refusing to believe the very real reality that all that work I put in would be for nothing. We would get results and everything is going to be just fine is all I ever heard.

I was starting to feel better again… Getting ready to go back to work… And then all of a sudden I wasn’t better anymore. My scan was being pushed up… Something was terribly wrong.

And then one morning I go in for the results of the all so important “scan” and the song changes. I started hearing doctors tell me about hospice…. Wait what?!?! Excuse me? I’m 28. Excuse me. Where’s my miracle? That’s what I came here to hear about. What happened to that?!??

I gotta say… I went from no fight left-to fight mode real quick. Funny how that switch can flip in the drop of a single tear. Sitting there with Jared, watching his face lose all color with the realization of what was happening was like a punch in the face. He has been so strong throughout all this and done everything he can to protect me from negativity, but in that moment I could read the pain, sadness, and fear all over his face. He has been by my side everyday since this battle started and he knew how I felt about going through treatment again. I realized in that moment, I still wasn’t ready to give up. I can never give up. I don’t care how hard and painful it will be to win… And the reality is… The odds are… I probably won’t. Nothing is more painful and hard than watching the people you love so dearly break apart at the thought of losing you. I will not cause that pain. I will not allow the people i love to believe they are not worth fighting for, so I am here to make it clear I will do whatever it takes to fight against leaving this world so soon, because it is too soon. As long as my heart is still beating … I will continue to fight.

I am so truly blessed. I have such great friends and family. They are worth every ounce of fight I’ve got and every ounce of fight is what I’m gonna give. I’m sorry to anyone I ever made believe different. It got hard, and it’s probably gonna get harder, but at least this way… I can live knowing I gave everything I had to spend as much time as I can with you all. And any extra seconds are extra seconds well worth it. Xoxoxo

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6 thoughts on “Life’s complicated”

  1. Brittney your mother is a very good friend of mine! We’ve worked together for years and I really love her! You graduated with two of my daughters. I just want you to know I think of you everyday and pray for you! I believe God is going to do a mighty thing for you! I know this is the biggest mountain you could ever climb, but you can do this! Always remember your a child of the King ,and God the Father has you in his hands!

  2. I love you sweet girl and if anyone can kick Cancer’s butt that would be YOU!!!! You are an amazing woman and the strongest person I have ever met. I lift you up in the name of GOD for strength and complete healing in your body and a long long life of happiness and love with Jerard. Always remember that you hold a very special place in my heart forever! My thoughts and prayers are always with you sweet Brittney 🙂

  3. Brtittney you are so inspirational!! Since the first day I met you I could see the strength you possess, your mind and soul are so beautiful and the positive attitude will only allow you to fight harder! Keep those positive thoughts going ❤ I think of you all the time and I know you will succeed in kicking this cancers ass for you are one of the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!! Xoxo

  4. Your bravery is admirable. Stay strong and lean on Jared and your loved ones whenever you need to!

    Best wishes,
    Samantha (from the 94th)

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