Life’s complicated

Man it got hard.

I know it’s been awhile since I have posted anything. My apologies. I know many have asked to continue to be updated and it’s really the least I could do for all the support I have received through this but it got hard. I never wanted to post negative things and it all felt so negative for so long. I wish I here writing you all that I beat the odds and overcame, but sadly I still can’t say that yet.

I got really sick is what happened. Chemo kicked my butt. I was this perfectly healthy person and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. And I didn’t wanna write about my suffering.. I didn’t wanna write that I was tired… I didn’t wanna write how bad and hard going through treatment is. I’m not looking for pity. I wanted to be strong, but the truth is.. I was so very broken.

I told myself if the treatment didn’t work I was done trying because making myself sick to most likely never see results wasn’t worth it.
No worries, I got over that fast!

The fact is
I didn’t get lucky. I didn’t get the news we all wanted to hear. Instead, I got heart broken doctors, family and friends. Everybody was so positive, refusing to believe the very real reality that all that work I put in would be for nothing. We would get results and everything is going to be just fine is all I ever heard.

I was starting to feel better again… Getting ready to go back to work… And then all of a sudden I wasn’t better anymore. My scan was being pushed up… Something was terribly wrong.

And then one morning I go in for the results of the all so important “scan” and the song changes. I started hearing doctors tell me about hospice…. Wait what?!?! Excuse me? I’m 28. Excuse me. Where’s my miracle? That’s what I came here to hear about. What happened to that?!??

I gotta say… I went from no fight left-to fight mode real quick. Funny how that switch can flip in the drop of a single tear. Sitting there with Jared, watching his face lose all color with the realization of what was happening was like a punch in the face. He has been so strong throughout all this and done everything he can to protect me from negativity, but in that moment I could read the pain, sadness, and fear all over his face. He has been by my side everyday since this battle started and he knew how I felt about going through treatment again. I realized in that moment, I still wasn’t ready to give up. I can never give up. I don’t care how hard and painful it will be to win… And the reality is… The odds are… I probably won’t. Nothing is more painful and hard than watching the people you love so dearly break apart at the thought of losing you. I will not cause that pain. I will not allow the people i love to believe they are not worth fighting for, so I am here to make it clear I will do whatever it takes to fight against leaving this world so soon, because it is too soon. As long as my heart is still beating … I will continue to fight.

I am so truly blessed. I have such great friends and family. They are worth every ounce of fight I’ve got and every ounce of fight is what I’m gonna give. I’m sorry to anyone I ever made believe different. It got hard, and it’s probably gonna get harder, but at least this way… I can live knowing I gave everything I had to spend as much time as I can with you all. And any extra seconds are extra seconds well worth it. Xoxoxo