I hate you.
It’s surreal. I’m 28 years old. I don’t feel sick. And to be quite frank, I was definitely not prepared to face my mortality. I’m still not. I refuse to consider it. I wouldn’t say I’m in denial. I think I have fully accepted this as my new life (temporarily). I can handle being sick, I can handle never having biological children, and I have finally resolved to the fact that I am going to lose my hair. Cancer can have all that, but it absolutely cannot take away my life. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to beat it, because I am not ready for it all to end. I will someday feel better, I can adopt (probably a 4 year old cuz they are the best!), and my hair will eventually grow back.
I have only known I have cancer for 6 days now, but it feels like an eternity. Most of you know I am not typically a very emotional person. I have to say though; this knocked me on my butt. Definitely did not see it coming. I cried a lot the first day or two anytime I started to talk about it. God, I felt so weak. I know your mindset is half the battle and I just couldn’t quite figure out how to pull it together. How am I supposed to be strong and positive when everything is just falling apart? But then day three came, and I decided that I couldn’t keep feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only one that is scared. I realized then that I owe it to all the people who love me to fight. Not that I ever planned otherwise, but I made a conscious decision to just accept it all, take it one day at a time, and never give up on what I want. And what I truly want is most definitely to live. So day three I only cried once and day four I was tear-free. I know it won’t last. Some days are going to be tougher than others. This isn’t going to be an easy ride, but I know it will be worth it. I have so much to live for. Obviously cancer didn’t get the memo, but I have way too much left on my to-do list before I can check out.
My first oncology appointment is in the morning. I’m definitely nervous, but ready to start this fight.
Thanks everyone for all the prayers and good thoughts.