Starting the Fight

Dear Cancer,

I hate you.

It’s surreal. I’m 28 years old. I don’t feel sick. And to be quite frank, I was definitely not prepared to face my mortality. I’m still not. I refuse to consider it. I wouldn’t say I’m in denial. I think I have fully accepted this as my new life (temporarily). I can handle being sick, I can handle never having biological children, and I have finally resolved to the fact that I am going to lose my hair. Cancer can have all that, but it absolutely cannot take away my life. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to beat it, because I am not ready for it all to end. I will someday feel better, I can adopt (probably a 4 year old cuz they are the best!), and my hair will eventually grow back.

I have only known I have cancer for 6 days now, but it feels like an eternity. Most of you know I am not typically a very emotional person. I have to say though; this knocked me on my butt. Definitely did not see it coming. I cried a lot the first day or two anytime I started to talk about it. God, I felt so weak. I know your mindset is half the battle and I just couldn’t quite figure out how to pull it together. How am I supposed to be strong and positive when everything is just falling apart? But then day three came, and I decided that I couldn’t keep feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only one that is scared. I realized then that I owe it to all the people who love me to fight. Not that I ever planned otherwise, but I made a conscious decision to just accept it all, take it one day at a time, and never give up on what I want. And what I truly want is most definitely to live. So day three I only cried once and day four I was tear-free. I know it won’t last. Some days are going to be tougher than others. This isn’t going to be an easy ride, but I know it will be worth it. I have so much to live for. Obviously cancer didn’t get the memo, but I have way too much left on my to-do list before I can check out.

My first oncology appointment is in the morning. I’m definitely nervous, but ready to start this fight.
Thanks everyone for all the prayers and good thoughts.


My journey with cancer